Freedom of the Mess

ABC's Charlie Gibson and The Washington Post's David Ignatius are padding their resumes, hoping for a Fox News gig.
Integrity. Neutrality. Ethics. Hard work. All of these qualities come to mind when we think of journalism at its best. Now, thanks to ABC's World News anchor Charlie Gibson and, more recently, The Washington Post columnist and associate editor David Ignatius, we can add another: Making shit up.

Media Matters called out Mr. Gibson for basically doing House Minority Leader John Boehner's job in the March 4 edition of World News. The former Good Morning America host, trying to fill Peter Jennings' shoes since 2006, claimed on that broadcast that President Obama had promised to end earmarks on the campaign trail, despite the fact that no such statement was ever made by the candidate or the campaign. Similarly, The New York Times accused Obama of breaking campaign pledges to not allow earmarks in spending bills.

All but the most foamy-mouthed "Dittoheads" and those completely determined to avoid looking into the matter for themselves are aware that then-Senator Obama simply promised "reform" of the earmark system. Still, we suppose having the media take potshots at the president frees up Republicans, allowing them to forget about the nuts and bolts of governing or offering an alternative to Democrats. After all, they need all the spare time they can get: there's infighting to do and apologies to Rush Limbaugh to be composed.

This weekend, Mr. Ignatius continued the attempt by the media to help the GOP stay focused on the fun stuff. In his column, Ignatius criticizes Obama's cabinet picks as "un-businesslike," because of, we're guessing, what the columnist sees as the bang-up job the business community has been doing of late.

Furthermore, Ignatius goes on to rip the recent stimulus bill a new one, writing that the Democrats were "egregious in packing the...bill with pet projects." Predictably, he then tells his readers that Obama had promised to eliminate these projects, these earmarks. We suppose the Poster hadn't heard the news that this has already been demonstrated to be false. Hadn't heard, or doesn't care.

The other sticky widget? The economic stimulus bill does not contain one single earmark. That would be none. Zero. Zilch. Exactly one less than...one.

The Snarking Lot has to wonder aloud if ultraconservatives are going to have to remove ABC and the Post from the supposed "liberal media."

McCain Admits Lack of Econ Knowledge but Dispenses Advice. No, Not That McCain

The torch has been passed from one self-titled economic dullard to the next.
If the fall presidential campaign taught us anything, it was that when America is in economic dire straits, they turn to the McCain family for advice! Who else would the country rely on? These people know money. Seriously, they are so successful with it, they famously lose track of how many houses they have.

Americans clearly have been clamoring for a reasonable opposition voice--someone to hold back the tsunami of socialism the Obama administration has been masterminding--and after a number of rough weeks for conservatives, they may have found it.

Ann Coulter is busy defending organizations that are definitely in no way racist. Rush Limbaugh is occupied with things completely unrelated to scoring prescription drugs. RNC Chairman Michael Steele is just too cool, baby! That thirteen year-old from CPAC hasn't the time either as his days are filled with not masturbating--it's a sin and a totally liberal thing to do. And the GOP Congressional leadership, they--hey, has anybody seen those guys?

So, into the void, the the vacuum, the leadership black hole rushes McCain. Meghan McCain. The daughter of the former Republican nominee, 24, has an increasingly popular blog and has been making the media rounds lately. (And, no, we are not jealous of her large readership at all--*sniffle sniffle*). Speaking of vacuums, she appeared this morning on Fox News' weekday windtunnel otherwise known as Fox & Friends and announced her strong opposition to the idea of a second stimulus bill.

Okay, beloved reader thinks, a Republican against a stimulus package, nothing new here. The other not exactly new item? The fact that said advice was given by someone who admits a lack of expertise on the issue. Someone named McCain. It goes a little like this:

John McCain, during the presidential race's early days calls economic matters "not something I've understood" and then spends months attempting to get voters to reject then-Senator Obama's fiscal policies. Then, last night, Meghan McCain is asked an economic question by MSNBC's Rachel Maddow, to which Ms. McCain answers, "I didn’t even take econ[omics] in college. I don’t completely understand it so I’d hate to make a comment one way or the other. That’s, truly, of all the things, I keep reading and I just don’t understand it." Flash forward to this morning on Fox News, through what must have been one hellish night of cramming, and she's telling the hosts, "This second stimulus package that Nancy Pelosi’s talking about I think doesn’t make sense."

Talk about the apple not falling far from the tree, huh? The Snarking Lot is now considering starting up a record label, just so we can sign the McCain's to cover Sam Cooke's "Wonderful World (Don't Know Much)."

Chuck Norris to Lead Second American Revolution

Smell that, bitch? That's patriotism. Real patriotism. That, and gun powder and torso sweat. Ripe, funky torso sweat.
We all know that Chuck Norris kicks ass. Well, at least, that's what we knew until a few days ago. Last week, we found out that Chuck Norris kicks major ass! We're talking grade-A, unstoppable, president of Texas-style kicking of ass. Possibly asses, if required.

The old, plain ol' regular ass-kickin' view of Mr. Norris came from his star turns in such timeless film classics as Top Dog and Invasion, USA and was only supported by the nuanced and emotive craft he demonstrated for years on tv's Walker, Texas Ranger. Mr. Norris demonstrated a broad range as an actor, showing he could do anything from "lay the smack down" to "lay the smack down hard."

This perception was changed last week when the thespian, martial arts expert, and 3:00 am pitchman for the "Total Gym" joined Glenn Beck on his radio program. Beck's calm manner and sage-like reasoning skills create just the sort of environment that allows someone like Chuck Norris to soar to new heights of ass. Kicking, that is.

Mr. Beck, you may remember, has been honored on The Snarking Lot previously with a Baggy Award for Superlative Achievement in Pompous Windbaggery. Clearly, he remains on top of his game. Beck, in his typical detached and neutral style, begins the interview by telling Norris that he would "sincerely" like "General Petraeus go up to Washington and clean that hornet's nest out. I'd like him to set up a military tribunal and...[f]ind out if they're guilty or innocent of...the scandals that are going on and kick them out." A reasonable opener, to which the actor responds that he would "choke them out, the ones that [Petraeus] finds dishonest...and stick them into a pile."

The two statesmen, having solved one problem, briefly veer into a discussion about the television series 24. Norris assures Beck that head-to-head, that show's lead character "would last five seconds against" his Walker, Texas Ranger character. Where would the journalist take the questioning, the fictional pissing contest now decided? Why, to Glenn's favorite topic of late, the fast-approaching disintegration of the United States, of course! (Sounds like a certain Russian scientist we know.)

They discuss the possibility, scratch that, near certainty that America will "spiral out of control" and become a "totalitarian country." Beck states his belief that Americans will start to "rise up." He asks Norris if he agrees that this new revolution would start in Texas, to which the guest responds, "Oh, yeah."

Norris then backs up his belief by pointing out that Texas is "a republic." Texans were surely overjoyed hearing the ass kicker change, butterfly-like, to major ass kicker by announcing that were this to happen (hell, when it happens) he just may have to run for president of Texas. Mr. Beck informs Norris that he'd like a call when the Lone Star State secedes from the Union.

On Monday, the action star elaborated online, explaining that he was sorta only joking about running for president of Texas but seeming to defend the idea that the state may very well split from the rest of the country. Courageously, he practically double-dog-dares another state to do the same first, offering, "I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it." Whoa. Line drawn in sand. Gauntlet down. Time to take sides 'cause it's on!

In our continuing effort to seek out the Baggiest humans among us, we are faced with some dry spells, some days where we cannot find any actions or words truly worthy of recognition. This is not one of those days, loyal readers! Mark this one for posterity, friends, as this is the day The Snarking Lot was drenched in a flood, a tsunami of douche bagitude. We have the distinct pleasure of awarding not one but two D-Bag Citations! Our snark runneth over. Mr. Norris, we always thought you had that special douchey sheen to you, but until last week, we never really witnessed you step up to the plate and really smack one outta Bagway Park. Thank you, sir, for ending our wait. And Glenn Beck...you leave us moved. Near tears. For upon you we bestow your second Baggy! You are to The Lot what Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep are to the Academy Awards. To go alongside your Pompous Windy, present you this D-Bag Recognition. To say you have set the bar high by repeating in less than a month would be the understatement of the decade. So. Much. Bag. We salute you.

Americans Really Are Becoming Godless Socialists

Is God dead? Maybe not yet, but according to Americans, He's looking a little tired.
Trinity College has released survey results which seem to indicate that America's love affair with the man upstairs may be hitting a rough patch. The Connecticut institution's "American Religious Identification Survey" details some changes in attitudes and beliefs about religion since its two previous polls conducted in 2001 and 1990.

When asked to identify their religious affiliation, those who answered "none" numbered at 15%, up from 14.2% in 2001 and nearly doubled in percentage from 1990. The study's designers were concerned that the 2001 figures were an anomaly, but the new results seem to suggest a trend. ARIS points out that the "none" category is the only one to have increased in all fifty states.

Overall, the number of self-identified Christians has decreased over 10% since 1990 to 76% of the population. The Snarking Lot wonders if this will make it 10% more difficult for conservatives to scream and shout about how the United States is a Christian nation framed around Christian values by Christian men. Considering the way ultra-religious right-wingers usually react when confronted with logic or science or any such stuff one might not find in the fairy tale collection known as The Bible, we are doubtful. (Please note that The Lot would ask you to refrain from calling us anti-Christian and Jesus haters and the like as we are fully aware that all religions have their ludicrous moralistic bedtime stories and find them just as silly...silly and dangerous.)

Such "one nation under God," "church-state is not in the Constitution," "the Founders framed our national values by asking 'What would Jesus do?'" Christians may be interested to learn that the survey concluded that about 12% of the country are deists. Deism, if these Bible-thumpers hadn't heard, believe, based on something called reason (a concept many of the super-religious have not even a passing acquaintance with), in the existence of a god or god-like power but reject supernatural revelation. Famous deists include such losers as: Paine, Jefferson (not George), Madison (not Billy), Washington (not Dinah), Allen (not Debbie), Franklin (nothing whatsoever to do with Peanuts). Anyhoo, we guess the Founding Fathers would be spinning in their graves if they knew of this phenomen--oh, wait!

The Snarking Lot feels compelled to disclose that ARIS 2008 does identify northern New England as the least religious region of the country. And where would you guess our home offices are? To think our dear readers likely thought us all a bunch of uptight Puritans!

Docs Advise Heart Disease Screening for Two-Year-Olds

America, The Snarking Lot loves you like this girl loves cake, but, really, this is getting ridiculous.
Ahhhhhhh. We can relax. In our latest weekly search for a sign of the imminent apocalypse we have found early success. It's only Monday, people, and here it is! The Snarking Lot may just have to take the rest of the week off. According to CNN, the American Academy of Pediatrics now endorses routine heart disease screening for children beginning at the age of two years! We just found ourselves foaming at the mouth, having a sort of red-faced, hyperventilating, Lewis Black-style reaction here, so we will try it again. Calmly. America, please have your two to ten year-old children routinely checked for heart disease.

On a day when we should be discussing President Obama's return of the federal government to sanity by lifting the stem cell research ban, we are faced with this! Comedian Bill Maher has recently been pounding on the point that the United States, viewed by a neutral observer, is beginning to appear to be no longer a serious country. We are starting to think he has a point.

Think of the perspective of the Chinese, the Iranians, the Indians. When they see what our children look like (and believe us, the picture that begins this post is a mild case of childhood...fluffiness), how are they not to think of us as silly?

Kids are active by nature. They are born exercisers. If you have one or two (or God forbid, more), you realize this. They possess the attention span of gnats and the energy of nuclear power plants. Or at least they used to be that way. Now, we cannot convince our children to put down the Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs and remote controls and video game controllers long enough to notice that--there are things, outside of the walls of the house or school. These things are called "The Outdoors." Kinda like Narnia, kiddies...

Adults here in America have become fat, too. And lazy. So how can we expect any different from the little ones? It has become impossible to do any of the previously mentioned convincing of our children because firstly, we are poor role models and secondly, we are drugging ourselves with food.

It's not just the Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs, folks. Our food, even some of it you've convinced yourself is wholesome and healthful, is full of garbage. Seriously, check the label on that Mac-N-Cheese you passed off as lunch this weekend. If you are reasonably informed, you'll know just what crap it is. And we don't care if you buy the kind with the bunny on it--crap is crap. Use your computer, adults, and get online and do some research. We're sorry to lecture but change your disgusting habits.

Change them, that is, if you have time between trips to the emergency room for your six year-old's heart attacks.

We Can Relax Now: United States to Collapse Next Year

Russian analyst Igor Panarin thinks you're fucked!

First, we had Fox News' Glenn Beck's thoughtful dissection of the coming end of America. That pansy gave the country until 2014 before the shit really hit the fan! Now, in news that will no doubt delight Dittoheads everywhere ("See, we told ya' so!"), a Russian scholar with close ties to the Kremlin has announced his conclusion last week that the United States will cease to exist as we know it by 2010. (Stupid socialist Obama!)

Igor Panarin is the former spokesman for the Russian Federal Space Agency (which, apparently unknown to him, has a co-dependent relationship with NASA) and current dean of the Russian Foreign Ministry's Diplomatic Academy. His view that the U.S. is circling the proverbial drain rather conveniently lines up with statements made by the Kremlin (and Vladimir "You Can See He's Got A Good Soul By Looking Into His Eyes" Putin, in particular). Mr. Putin, the "former" Russian president, has stated he believes that the United States is similar to Germany under Hitler, and we're guessing, by extension, has a similarly limited life-span.

Mr. Panarin projects that by the end of this year, President Obama will declare martial law, suspending civil rights (and we thought President Bush had already taken care of this). America will be divided into six rump states (forgive The Snarking Lot's ignorance, but we were very amused about this...once we stopped laughing, we were able to consult wikipedia and conclude that "rump state" has nothing whatsoever to do with bums), paving the way for Russia (how convenient, once again) and China to emerge as global leaders. Oh, also, Russia will be so taking back Alaska. Has anyone called Sarah Palin? You know, she can, like, see Russia from her house.

When pressed for the reasons for his conclusions, Mr. Panarin refused to provide specifics, citing, according to the Associated Press "newspapers, magazines and other open sources," and additionally placing blame on societal psychological stress, of which school shootings, the high prison population, and the large number of homosexual men are all symptomatic.

We at The Lot are relieved, frankly. We can stop obsessing about the direction of our country, stop caring about what we can do to improve life here and around the world...just kind of get in our easy chair, don our "Snuggy," microwave some popcorn and wait for the end. At last.

Is GOP Support for Bush Investigation Growing?

"Wait, hold on just a minute. Who let Limbaugh into this press conference?"
Pennsylvania Republican Senator (and Ann Coulter/Rush Limbaugh irritant) Arlen Specter came out forcefully for the idea of a Congressional investigation of Bush administration wrongdoings. In a Senate Judiciary Committee (on which Mr. Specter is the ranking Republican) hearing convened Wednesday to consider Sen. Patrick Leahy's (D-VT) proposal for a "Truth and Reconciliation Commission" to look into, among other things, the possibility of criminal actions on the part of Bushies during the lead-up to and prosecution of the Iraq War and the "War On Terror."

Sen. Specter's support of such an idea is nothing new, but he seemed Wednesday morning to be turning up the heat a bit. While cautioning against a witch-hunt atmosphere in which the Congress could go "helter-skelter" on a "fishing expedition," Specter highlighted his concerns, which have increased due to recent revelations by the Bush Office of Legal Counsel.

Calling the OLC's disclosures about White House attorneys' legal opinions "rather startling," the moderate lawmaker stated his belief that they may be "starting to tread on what may disclose criminal conduct." He continued that if there is reason to believe that the Justice Department under President Bush had knowingly approved actions they knew were illegal, Congress should "go after them." We could not agree with Sen. Specter more whole-heartedly. The idea that there is even a question (and yes we've heard the tired old "you'll tear the country apart" argument) strikes us as ludicrous in the extreme.

So, The Snarking Lot is pleased to have the chance to offer Arlen Specter some "Sincere Praise." We, it seems, are not able to extend nonsnarkily-intended recognition nearly frequently enough. We jump at the chance and wish there were more Republicans willing to consider trying to get to the bottom of just what the Bush administration was up to (no matter what Rush Limbaugh might say about it).